Educating James Potter
by scumisyum
Summary: MWPP era. James Potter is lacking skills in a department that others are too willing to help and nothing good can come out of it. Full title: Educating James Potter in the art of seducing a fiery, green eyed monster, erm girl. R
1. Chapter 1

Educating James Potter

(in the art of seducing a fiery, green eyed monster… erm, girl.)

Disclaimer: If you find anything smart, entertaining or original then you know it's not mine.

Chapter One

James Potter sighed. There were times when he wondered what it was that he lacked… and he came up with nothing. After all, he was charming, popular, fit, had a dazzling smile (well that's what he thought) and had brains to go with this attractive package. So why on earth didn't Lily Evans want him?

He'd been asking her out for approximately two years, three months, two weeks, four hours, fifty-three minutes and twelve, thirteen, no fourteen seconds. Well, you get the idea.

He'd been following all of Sirius' advice to the letter. The list of pick up lines, the leather pants which he said would make girls jump on him, the special fragrance of 'eau de toilette' which came from the actual toilet… he did it all, and nothing seemed to work.

So that's why, James Potter, Gryffindor's best seeker in god knows how many years, smartest, sexiest lad ever was lying in the corridor in front of Transfiguration class sighing.

"Oy, Prongs, what the hell are you doing lying down in the corridor? Trying to trip one of the unsuspecting midgets?" A voice rudely interrupted James's line of thought. And the voice came from the body of a fellow Marauder, Sirius 'Padfoot' Black.

"Sirius, stop referring to them as midgets! They are first years and are not in any way vertically challenged." Another voice followed and James looked up to see Remus Lupin, the only sensible Marauder tagging along with Sirius and the two were followed by Peter Pettigrew.

James sighed once again and let his head trop back onto the stone floor with a loud thud. "No, Padfoot, I am not trying to trip unsuspecting _midgets_. In fact, I am contemplating the sad, pathetic thing I call my love life… _sigh_." And before James could react a large and very heavy weight was dropped or should I say, fell, onto him and started squeezing the air out of his lungs. "Sirius, GET OFF!" James yelled while trying to shove the pretentious and impaired boy off him.

"No can do, Jamesie-poo. Hey, Moony that rimes!" Sirius suddenly exclaimed from where he was sitting. "You know, James, it's not healthy for you to spend so much time dwelling over the fact that you are unwanted and have been rejected over a period of, what, three years?

"It hasn't been three years but two and, gods, why do I bother? Just get off me, Sirius, I don't think I can breathe anymore…" James said looking at Remus imploringly so that he might get ride of the lump of weight that was currently chattering away on his soon-to-be-dead body.

"Sirius, get off from James and stop provoking him. Though really James, it's your fault that Lily slapped you, I heard about what you said and …" but before he could finish James had jumped up, causing Sirius to fall on his "sexy arse" and yelp. "What did you hear?" James cried out as he held Remus by his collar and looking like a raving mad man.

"Gods… Prongs really _control_ yourself! Let Moony go the poor lad is probably suffocating. Aren't I right, eh Wormtail?" Sirius said and turned towards the forgotten boy that had been following Remus and him.

Peter Pettigrew, alia Wormtail, was a small boy who ressembled a rat and had very poor luck with girls unlike the other three Marauders. Sirius was what people might refer to as a ladies man with a raging libido and never dormant hormones. James was a "sexy beast", at least in his own opinion and would have been a success among the 'chicks' if he weren't sadly contaminated with a "Lily disorder". Remus was also a highly attractive chap but no matter how sharp and intellectual he was he failed to see that girls might hold an interest in a werewolf such as himself. Not that the girls knew anything about that.

"Right, right. Sorry about Moonster. You know how I am about Evans… _sigh._" James sighed, once again, and let go of his furry friend only to lean against the wall where he had previously been pinning Remus and slide down.

"Yeah, Prongs. I think we actually got the idea of how you are about Evans. 'Lily this, Lily that, Fiery red hair and vivid green eyes, Mr. James Evans… yaddy yaddy ya.' That's all we hear about: Lily Evans! And don't get me started with your sighing!" Sirius started raving, waving his wand madly causing Peter to grow longer teeth, not that anyone noticed.

"I think what Sirius is trying to say James is that we have heard enough about Lily Evans to last us an eternity. And I agree that she is a smart and brilliant witch but there's only so much details that we can stand to hear. As for what I was saying before you decided attack me, well, I think that you're to blame." Remus told James calmly, looking at his reflection in the window so as to see if his shirt was back in place and neat.

"What on earth do you mean 'I'm to blame'? I haven't done anything!" James yelled, spitting all over the composed werewolf. Remus sighed. "What I mean is that the reason Lily runs away from to you like you're caring a muggle disease is because…" But Remus was once again interrupted by an immature Sirius Black. "It's because he _is_ carrying a disease: Lily Disorder strikes again!" barked a proud Padfoot, glad that he had come up with the idea in the first place, enabling him to spout it out at all the 'opportune' moments.

"No Sirius. James is not contaminated by 'Lily Disorder'! What I was going to say was that James should stop following your foolish advice. If one can call it advice."

The other Marauders all looked at him puzzled. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose trying to find small words with which he could explain himself with. "What I mean is, Sirius is stupid, the pick up lines are offending, stop using on Lily. Do you understand?" The Werewolf looked as his companion but seeing as no answer was coming forward he continued. "Nod once if you understood or twice if you didn't."

He was happy to see them all nod twice though he was suspecting that at least two of them were pretending to be aware of what had been spoken.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

AN: WOW! I didn't realize it's been so long so here's a new chapter.

Remus Lupin was a kind-hearted soul. As he sat on the worn out arm-chair of the Gryffindor common room, in a high, high up tower, he wondered to himself precisely this: Why do I know such bumbling idiots?

It seemed to the werewolf that, as time passed and the Marauders aged, Sirius and James seemed to regress mentally. In fact it no longer seemed a mere impression but something that should be recorded on parchment and to be added into a newly edited version of 'A History of Magic' under the title "The Oddities of Hogwarts" and the two oafs picture beneath it. Still, perhaps this –and by that he meant their endless immaturity- was all an evil ploy to ruin his life or take over the world though, really, that didn't quite seem feasible…

For them.

Why exactly was Remus contemplating his disastrous friendship with overgrown primates? Simply because as he was sitting, the two fools were hustled together, glancing in what they no doubt assumed was a furtive manner at Lily Evans who was scowling at their dark heads while they heedlessly sat there, muttering inane things along the lines of "… but she would know what the potion was from the smell, padfoot!" to "Armo- ARMOR is not such an easy thing to recognize I'll have you know!" and a few interspersed howls of laughter and insane cackling; the latter coming from Sirius who could not seem to escape his Black up-bringing.

Just as the Gryffindor Prefect felt that he should split up this fest of lunacy, Peter Pettigrew came and patted him on the shoulder.

That is when Remus screamed like a girl.

No doubt a casual observer would wonder what could possibly make a nearly full-grown wizard with your above-the-average thinking capacities scream in such a high pitched tenure and with no regard to his peers' eardrums. The answer would be Wormtail with a hickey; a big, gigantic, out of proportion to his small knob but very much in accordance to his teeth, hickey.

As Remus managed to calm his racing and erratic heart-beat, Prongs and Padfoot –his valiant friends- rushed to his rescue but at the terrible sight were reduced to whimpering shells of themselves. It was only when a shadow fell upon their catatonic bodies that life seemed to spring back into James' eyes.

For there she was, in all her majestic glory, Lily Evans, spitfire extraordinaire, prefect of Gryffindor –and damn Remus for not using his position to gain some kind of leverage!- as well as a paragon of bravery for glancing at… well, Peter.

It seemed that Remus' earlier words of advice had been ignored or truly misinterpreted for, as the red-head seemed about to open her mouth and –from the way she was twirling her wand- vanish the offending sight (the hickey, honestly people!), James Earnest Potter decided to do the unforgiveable, unpredictable –except perhaps to Sirius who had also miraculously reanimated and seemed to be filled with malicious joy- and utterly repulsive; he bit Lily Evans bum.

The world decided to stop spinning on its axis simply to make that moment stand still in time for there he was, the supposed stud and star chaser, the best at Transfiguration there ever was –or as Sirius puts it "that's what he said!"- with his mouth clamped on Lily Evans bum.

While everyone stared, stock still, a bark-like laughter filled the entire common room and Sirius turned to look at Peter. "Oh, Merlin's saggy balls, well done Wormtail! You'll get a clean pair of boxers now, the embargo is lifted."

Remus swiveled from where he sat, absolutely flummoxed by all that had happened in such a short space of time to find Sirius rolling himself in hilarity, repeating over and over again, "He actually did it!".

The time it took for Sirius to take all the credit for this 'incident' as it would forever be known and forgotten by the Marauders and the spitfire, Lily Evans hauled out her wand, sent a stinging hex at James Potter's mouth which had not moved –the poor boy was in shock over what he'd done- and turned Sirius Lupin into a chocolate bar.

While the 'stud' nursed his aching mouth and looked almost spell-bound at the floor as if wondering whether it would crack open and possibly swallow him up, Lily grabbed the newly delicious form of Sirius Black and glared as hard as she could, with all the hatred she had in her petite but, as James put it "smoking hot" body.

"I'm so tempted to send you into a room full of girls on their period, Black."

Before walking into the girls' dorm, Evans dropped the chocolate bar into Remus' lap –Peter muttering "sure, give the chocolate to the addict"- and calmly remarked, "You'll want to bring Potter to Pomfrey, I want him to explain how he got that injury."

The girl smirked, left the common room in wonder and calmly waltzed away, never noticing there was a smudge of saliva on her skirt.

When the others Gryffindor had reverted their gaze and continued on with their daily routine, Remus transfigured Sirius back to his original –"but no less appealing, ladies!"- form and patted a trembling James' head.

"I told you so. Sirius is an idiot-" began Remus only to be interrupted by an obnoxious "hey!" from the lad in question, an outburst which was quickly quelled by a silencing charm and firm look.

"As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," Remus continued with a glance towards the now mute Marauder, "you should never listen to Padfoot, James. If you keep going down this path, you might lose all your painfully gained sanity."

James nodded and Peter added from behind them, his hickey –was it fake or not?- still firmly in place. "And with his sanity goes Evans."


End file.
